Oh no he's headed towards the inner thigh machine!
One of the main reasons I started a boot camp for women only is because many women are not comfortable in the gym setting. I have been in gyms my whole life and have been ensconced amongst the unique species that inhabit this place. Some call me Gym Goodall...
Have you recovered from that hilarity? Anyway, I have put together a collection of my studies from over the years. These are characteristics I have observed of these different people in their natural habitat.
No wonder so many women do not like the gym.
Oblivious iPod man- This is the guy that has no idea that he is talking extremely loud because he is listening to music. "YEAH I'M DOING GREAT. JUST GOT MY COLONOSCOPY. CLEAN AS A WHISTLE!" This guy can also be the guy that farts and has no idea that people can hear him. Usually passes gas in step with his pace on the treadmill. That one always makes me laugh, mainly because my maturity level never graduated from 2nd grade.
Spandex man- Come on now, we don't need all that. And if you tuck your shirt into your Spandex you're just wrong man. I'm torn between wanting to fight this person, vomit, or give them a hug and find out what's wrong with them.
The Sweaty Caveman- This is the guy that makes you think to yourself, "No wonder he's sweating so much, he's working out in a sweater." Then you realize it's a tank top and he's just really hairy. You do not want the machine he just got off of.
Tommy Boy- This is the guy that likes to use as much weight as he can on every exercise, then proceed to move it 3-4 inches. He usually grunts, slams the weights around, and leans on the machines. He does all of this so you will look at how much weight he's using. Sometimes he just loads up all the plates and doesn't actually do anything. He is usually doing everything incorrect and likes to ask, "Do you know where the weight room is?" You don't have to answer, he'll check it out.
Stuck in the 80's guy/gal- You can spot this guy or gal easy. The guy will have on those animal print pants that taper at the bottom (Zubaz if you must know), along with a Gold's Gym sweatshirt that has the sleeves cut off and usually the neck widened. He is guaranteed to ask someone how much they bench at sometime. The gal will have leotards and or leg warmers on. She will be listening to "Physical". Yes these people are actually out there.
The Count- This is the guy that sounds like he is in a Lamaze class. He breathes really loud and loudly counts every rep in a shaky voice. "Wwwwwwwwwone, tttttttwwwooo…" Sometimes this is a close relative of Oblivious iPod man,
Whatcha workin guy- This guy loves to find out what everyone is working out that day. He is guaranteed to use one or more of the following: pecs, lats, glutes, or deltoids. For some reason he usually has a headband on.
Funkadelic- This is the worst person. The person who has BO or left sweaty clothes in the bottom of the gym bag over the weekend and decides they are still ok to work out in. You can spot them because their shirt will look like a road map with all the wrinkles in it and there is no one anywhere near him. Multiply the funk factor by 3 if the same guy is from Europe or a country ending in –stan. Also a risk for spreading staph infection, so stay away. A close relative is Too Much Perfume/Cologne Person.
Right Said Fred- So sexy he has to always look at himself in the mirror. It's ok to check your form and all that when you are exercising, but I don't need to see you putting on a most muscular pose every 45 seconds there Ronnie Coleman.
T-Mobile- The guy who calls people while he's working out. "No I'm at the gym! Can you believe it?" Working out and talking on the phone do not mix, pick it up a notch if you are able to do this.
Weekend Warrior- This is the guy that bathes in Ben Gay and or Icy Hot before coming to the gym. It is like working out inside a tin of Altoids when this guy comes in. On the plus side he cleans out your sinuses.
The Trainer-this is the guy that goes around giving crappy advice. "Dude you wanna get huge? Well, you gotta start eating caviar. No dude it's true. I read it Muscle and Fitness. They say Arnold used eat it all the time."
The Show Dog- The guy that lays out right in the middle of the busiest part of the weight room to stretch or do abs. Or the female that does the splits/spread eagle type stretches where she will get maximum exposure.
Shawty- The dude with the tiny shorts. We've all seen him. Waaaaaay too much of him. If I can tell what religion you are, it's time to get some longer shorts.
Accessory guy- iPod? check. Weight belt? check. Towel? check. Fanny pack? check. Gym bag? check. Wrist bands? check. Knee braces? check. All right now let's go walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes and pack it all back up.
Misguided youth- The kid that usually is doing curls in the squat rack, getting crushed on the bench press, and flying off the back of a treadmill. Keep your head on a swivel around this kid or you could be hurt.
Excessive nudity person- Enough already, put your towel on like the rest of us. Why does this person always feel the need to bend over all the time too? I walked around the corner and immediately ran up on this. To this day I am legally blind from the incident.
The Hit Man- A master at using a mirror to stare at you creepily. Will more than likely ask you how long you've been working out and then offer some advice.
I know many of you are have been to the gym and seen some rare and exotic things. What species have you observed?